Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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