We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize