look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
