it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
no, he came in my armpit
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
