I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Barsexuality is the new black.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
