I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
