if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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