my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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