someone get that fucking seahorse.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
