i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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