Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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