I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
