some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
