What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
