if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
