somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
