I think my fart just growled at me.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
