So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
