Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
it's like heaven, but drunker
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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