I think i peed on brittanys purse
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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