so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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