meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize