im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
