rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
