the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
birth control should be required to get into college
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
