Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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