if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
