If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
