My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
