This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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