I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
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