fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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