Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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