I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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