u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I stole a fireplace last night.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
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