if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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