woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
