Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
