I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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