She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
