Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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