Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
