he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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