I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
