Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
