Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
