he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
