I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
