They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
