I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
