she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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