My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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