chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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