So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
