my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
