You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
